Surrender

Before I had kids I was pretty "uptight" (for want of a better word). I was a neat freak and a control freak. I kept track of every cent that I ever spent and entered all the data into Quicken. My bills were paid the second they arrived. My laundry was sorted and washed according to category (darks, lights, clothing, linen etc.) Everything was ironed and neatly arranged. Nothing was ever out of place (not a hair on my head) and nothing was ever forgotten (birthdays, thank you notes, meetings, appointments etc.)

My sister is the same. We used to share a house and our grocery bills and housekeeping costs were divided down to the last cent (Mr. 3x3 has a good laugh whenever he thinks of this). I'm sure a lot of this comes from the fact that we were brought up in a single parent home and money was very tight. We were frugal and we took care our of our belongings and always made sure we were on top of everything. All. the. time.

When Spinner was born I managed to keep up a pretty freaky level of organizational control. Every night I would sort all his toys, make sure none were missing and put them back in place. I did all the finances, paid the bills and spent precious hours entering data on Quicken. I remembered birthdays and anniversaries and I sent out Christmas cards. We never ran out of nappies or milk or clean clothes.

Things changed when Willow was born. I stopped managing the finances (I couldn't keep up). I stopped sorting laundry. If we had pink singlets - so what - at least they were clean. I forgot to return phone calls and didn't even think of sending out birthday cards. I would run out of nappies and not realise until I was madly searching around the house for a clean one. Toys were all thrown in a big chest - crucial bits lost and never to be seen again - but really, who cared?

Since Poppet's arrival I've had to let go altogether. I go out and realise (on the way home) that I have dried food smeared over my t-shirt because I forgot to throw it in the dirty wash basket. The kids' clothes are rarely folded, let alone ironed. I forget to comb my hair. My car is filthy (I used to wash and vacuum it obsessively). I've been known to dash out at 10pm to buy a loaf of bread so I can make school sandwiches. I feel like I'm on top of everything if I can manage to get my kids into clean clothes each day and send them out the door to school with food in their bellies and a packed lunch. These days, nothing feels better then leaving the house with the sound of the dishwasher running and the washing machine turning, because at least this means that things are happening and I'm not completely sinking.

Learning to let go, to lose control, goes against my nature. I want to sort and tidy and organise. I want to be in control and on top of everything all the time. But I've realised that with three children and a rather disorganized husband, I'm fighting a losing battle. So I have surrendered to the unrelenting current of chaos. These days I let myself be carried along by the flow. My new mantra is "What's the worse that can happen?" I've stopped worrying about the fact that I might have forgotten to pay for a school excursion on time or that I didn't get my kids immunized on the day their immunizations fell due. If the phone gets cut off because I forget to pay the bill ... well, it will get reconnected.

These days I always have a mountain on my plate. It never lessens and I always feel overwhelmed and about to be snowed under. A few years ago the "my world is spinning out of control" feeling would have driven me round the bend. I would have had a nervous break down (which isn't to say that I often don't feel like I'm a woman on the verge of one). However, by repressing my inner control freak and doing deep breathing at especially bad moments, I've managed to adapt and stay sane for the most part. One day the suppressed inner control freak in me will have full reign once more, but in the meantime I'm doing a pretty good impression of woman who is happy to go with the flow.