Why does it still hurt so much?

You'd think that after four years of this shit (therapist after therapist after therapist) I would finally be getting used to it. But I'm not and I doubt I ever will be. It still hurts. It still feels like I have a burning stake in my heart.

Today we (finally) had Willow's DECS evaluation - this formal psychological evaluation determines whether or not Willow receives support at school. As usual, she misses out by a whisker. As in, to get support she'd need to be in the 1st-2nd percentile, but she is in the 4th percentile.

There is no doubt that school is going to be difficult. No fucking doubt. But DECS will not help us until Willow falls out of the "low average" bracket (which she invariably will).

The psychologist thinks that Willow will manage to get by in junior primary (R, 1, 2) but that by grade three she will be struggling and the gap between Willow and her peers will have widened significantly. At this point, she advises that we get Willow re-evaluated and maybe, just maybe, she will have become "verifiable" (an absolutely dreadful word that they use to describe children who qualify for assistance - it makes me think of "certifiable"). She will put Willow on the waiting list for that evaluation immediately, because the waiting time is currently 2+ years.

I really liked the psychologist. She was one of the best health professionals I have ever met and the best person I have met in DECS (as in, the only person who has NOT been dismissive of Willow and her needs).

Some additional information she shared with me...

1. Willow WAS eligible for support this entire last year at kindy (despite what the DECS disability coordinator said in March after a few minutes of cursory observation). Fat lot of good it does us now.

2. She does think Willow has dyspraxia but cannot formally diagnose her (this is in agreement with Willow's speech therapist and physiotherapist, but not with her pediatrician).

3. She urged me to consider independent schooling - especially from grade 3. She told me that the same federal funding will be available for Willow WHEREVER she attends school - private, catholic or public. (I had been labouring under the misapprehension that only public schools attract federal funding.) She even recommended a local catholic primary school (saying that it was the best regular school statewide, for children with special needs) that is minutes from our home.

4. She thinks that Willow's issues are very, very complex, which is why no-one has been able to get a grip on them to date.

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Yes. I'm back. I've got too darn much to say.