Another label to add to the list

I have complained, many times, about the fact that Willow gets no educational support at school. Actually, I lie, her school has allocated her 45 minutes a week of one-on-one support which comes out of its general special needs budget. However, Willow gets no support specifically allocated to her and her alone (ie, from the Education Department). The reason that Willow does not get any support, despite her significant and complex educational issues, is because she does not fit into any particular funding category.

Willow is yet to be "formally" diagnosed with anything - and yet her problems are immediately obvious to even the most casual observer (be they 5 or 55). Late last year an educational psychologist "diagnosed" her with dyspraxia. In many, many ways this diagnosis fits like a glove. It some ways it doesn't fit at all and thus she cannot be officially diagnosed. Last week a speech therapist (visiting Willow at school in order to write a report in support of funding) diagnosed Willow with "nonverbal learning disorder". In many ways this diagnosis is disarmingly accurate, however, Willow is atypical of a NVLD child in that she is not particularly verbal.

More to the point, neither dyspraxia or nonverbal learning disorder fare a category of disability that will attract funding from the Education Department - so an official diagnosis is pretty much useless. The special education officer believes that Willow may eventually be diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome - which would open up funding opportunities within the education system - but she is not likely to get that diagnosis now and maybe not for several years (if at all).

These reports upset me and confuse me. Nothing is clear. There is no obvious path forwards, no defined steps to take. All I know is that this journey is long and painful and lonely. I've been very depressed. I've gone back on anti-depressants. I am taking anti-anxiety medication (after suffering several debilitating panic attacks). I don't know how other people stay positive and upbeat. I don't know why I find it so hard to accept my "lot" and embrace all that is good and beautiful about my life (because there is so much to be grateful for). I don't know when or how I lost my joy - but sometime over the last year it dissolved into nothingness - and finding it again has been so darn hard.